One of the things that are inevitable for those holding a leading position is having difficult conversations with employees. Handling these conversations with skill and empathy is crucial, whether it’s addressing poor performance, behavioral issues, or changes affecting the team. That's because these moments, often tense and emotional, can have the undesired effect of breaking trust and future performance.
Recent studies by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) highlight that a significant portion of a manager's time is spent navigating these challenging dialogues. Yet, many leaders lack the tools and knowledge to tackle them effectively.
If you think that approaches like “I will be completely honest…,” “We need to talk about what you’ve been doing wrong,” or “I’ve noticed that you are not performing well. What’s wrong?” are the right way to start a crucial conversation, maybe this blog post is for you too.
This guide, tailored specifically for leaders and managers like you, equips you with a quick and easy framework to confidently navigate these situations.
A step-by-step approach to Difficult Conversations
Step 1: Identify the Difficult Conversations
Not all conversations are created equal. Crucial (difficult) conversations involve high stakes, strong emotions, and differing viewpoints. Before starting a discussion with an employee, ask yourself:
Does this conversation potentially impact the employee, team, or organization significantly?
Are emotions likely to run high?
Do we have fundamentally different perspectives on the situation?
If you answer yes to these questions, you're likely facing a crucial conversation.
Beware: avoiding these conversations is not a solution. It creates a breeding ground for resentment, disengagement, and ultimately, poorer performance.
Step 2: Get ready for it
Once you know you will have a possibly unpleasant discussion, gather all facts and relevant information to ensure you’re well-prepared. Understand the specifics of the issue and any policies or precedents that apply.
Preparation also involves anticipating potential employee reactions and mentally managing them. Preparing with a clear outline can help maintain focus on the conversation’s purpose and desired outcomes.
An ideal solution could also be to create a private and neutral setting for the conversation to ensure privacy and minimize discomfort. Creating a safe space where vulnerability is accepted is critical to honest and productive conversations.
Our brains are wired for survival, and when threatened (perceived criticism), we often resort to fight-or-flight responses. This can derail a conversation before it even begins. Shift your mindset from blame to dialogue. The goal is to “hold space” by creating a safe space for mutual understanding, not to blame.
Step 3: Master the STATE Model
When it is finally time to have the conversation, you can apply the STATE communication framework, which Patterson et al. designed in their book Crucial Conversations.
Share the facts: Clearly articulate the specific situation and your observations. Focus on behavior, not personality.
Tell your story: Express your honest concerns about the impact of the employee's actions. Use "I" statements to own your perspective (e.g., "I'm concerned about the impact of missed deadlines on team morale").
Ask for their take: Actively listen to their perspective without interrupting and with curiosity. Seek to understand their reasoning and challenges. This principle also aligns with Stephen Covey's "Seek first to understand, then to be understood" from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People."
Talk tentatively: Acknowledge that your interpretation may not be the whole picture. Use phrases like, "My understanding is..." or "I might be wrong, but here’s how I see it..."
Encourage testing: Encourage others to disagree with or challenge your perspective. This opens the door for a genuine exchange of ideas and shows that you value their input and are not merely pushing your own agenda.
Step 4: Be emotionally intelligent
Difficult conversations can be emotionally charged. Stay calm and collected, and if you observe strong emotions in yourself, use deep breathing techniques and maintain eye contact to project confidence.
At the same time, empathetic listening is essential. Notice and acknowledge the employee's emotions without judgment, allowing them to share their side of the story uninterrupted. Show empathy and validate their feelings where appropriate, even if you disagree with their perspective.
Step 5: Be clear and direct (withcare)
Avoid wishy-washy language. Clearly communicate expectations and next steps. Be respectful yet direct.
Step 6: Shape a conclusion to follow through
Conclude the conversation with a clear and mutual agreement on the next steps. These should be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Relevant, and Time-bounded) and supported by a follow-up is crucial to ensure accountability and provide ongoing support.
And when the conversation is over, don't let it end with empty promises. Schedule follow-up discussions to monitor progress and offer support.
Example
Here’s an example of a crucial conversation between a team leader (Ann) and a team member (John) who is overly critical of the company.
Ann: "Thanks for meeting with me today. I want to talk about some feedback I've received. I've noticed there have been a few instances where the criticism about our projects and company policies has been quite strong. It’s great to have open discussions, and I value honesty. However, the rest of the team has contacted me expressing some concerns." (Shares the fact)
John: "I didn't realize it was having a negative impact. I just feel like there are a lot of areas where we could be doing better, and it's important for us to talk about these issues."
A: "I understand where you're coming from, and it’s clear you’re passionate about making improvements, which is something I really appreciate. However, I'm concerned that the way the issues are being presented might be causing distress among the team. Can you walk me through your thought process when these topics arise?" (Tells her story and Asks for his take)
J: "Sure, I guess when I see something that isn't working or could be improved, I feel it's critical to point it out immediately. I believe addressing these issues directly is the best way to ensure we make changes for the better."
A: "That makes sense, and focusing on improvement is good. My understanding is that while you intend to help us improve, the delivery might be perceived as dismissive or overly critical. Perhaps we could explore a way to frame these insights constructively." (Talks tentatively and Encourages testing)
J: "I see your point. I hadn’t considered that it could come off as harsh. I definitely don’t want to demoralize anyone. Maybe I need to think more about my delivery. I can try to be more constructive and maybe bring up these points in a one-on-one setting with you first?"
A: "That sounds like a great approach. Bringing it up with me first can help us refine the message and decide how best to address it with the whole team. I really appreciate you being open to adjusting your approach. How about we check back in a month to see how things are going?" (Sets up a follow-up)
J: "That works for me. I’ll focus on how I can contribute more positively in our meetings and bring issues to you privately first."
A call to action
As the short example shows, difficult conversations can transform negative experiences in a moment for personal and professional growth, building trust in a team.
As you engage in these crucial dialogues, consider each one as a chance to refine your leadership approach, deepen your understanding of your team, and reinforce a culture of openness and continuous improvement. The true measure of leadership is not where you stand in moments of comfort. It resides in how you stand and lead in times of challenge.
Further Readings:
SHRM: "2023 HR Priorities Report" (https://www.shrm.org/)
Patterson, Kerry, et al. "Crucial Conversations "
Brown, Brené. "Dare to Lead"
Brach, Tara. "Radical Acceptance"
Covey, Stephen R. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"
Goleman, D. “Emotional Intelligence”
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